A Dystopian TV SATIRE
Book 1: ‘What’s your problem?’ Trilogy
Mrs Katy Lawrence
If I beat all the other contestants and won a lot of money on W.Y.P., I would buy an aquarium because I like aquariums.
I like the aquarium at London Zoo the best. I like looking at the ﬁsh in the dark where its round and cool and only the ﬁsh can see you because they’ve got a light on. I don’t like looking outside because the sun hurts my eyes and people’s eyes hurt my eyes and it’s hot everywhere and it’s too far to walk and there’s nowhere to sit down and when there is the chairs are always too close to the tables. That’s why I would donate three golf carts to the zoo then people like me could see the animals without stopping for breath all the time and eat ice-cream without leaning on the table.
And I would buy brown ﬁsh, blue ﬁsh and green ﬁsh but not pink ﬁsh for my aquarium at home because I don’t like pink ﬁsh. They look so pale like they’re dead and it must be a big aquarium with lots of water so I can get in too.
I used to like having a bath because I like feeling clean and wet and you feel so light and you can move properly, especially when I was a baby. If I won a real lot of money then I would buy a big bathtub for the garden because there’s not enough room for one my size in the house. I haven’t had a nice bath in years because of my weight disability but I don’t smell like they say I do because I sit on the edge of the bath and shower my feet. Fish don’t smell like they say either, only old dead ones that aren’t fresh.
But I would need a big fence and a sign saying no children allowed because I used to like children but now, they make nasty noises and say nasty things and think I’m deaf, dumb and blind not to notice. Maybe they think calling me a beached whale or Loch ness monster is brave or maybe they think there’s so much fat to pass through their words would die before they made it all the way to my heart. Small ﬁsh don’t hurt big ﬁsh in real life, do they? I admit I am big on the outside but I feel small on the inside when I go outside.
So, if my dream came true and I won a lot of money on W.Y.P. I would buy an aquarium bathtub so I wouldn’t need to go outside I could sit all day without any effort with my little ﬁsh and feel big on the inside too.
If my dream
and I won
a lot of money
I would buy an aquarium bathtub
so I wouldn’t need
to go outside,
I could sit all day without any effort with my little ﬁsh
and feel big
on the inside too.
Full Name: Mrs Katherine Penelope Lawrence (nee White)
Date of Birth/Time: 2.2.2242 / 7.43 pm
Star sign: Aquarius
Appearance and behaviour: Black, obese female, BMI 32, slightly dishevelled but appropriately attired. Made poor eye contact. Appeared older than stated. Evidence of psychomotor retardation – very little spontaneous movement. Scar noted on leﬀ-hand. Some agitation.
Affect: Anxious and at times fearful though somewhat flat and frequently vague about exact nature of fears.
Mood: Subjectively felt to be OK, objectively low.
Speech: Soft and monotonous, difficult to understand, but perfect annunciation, not slurred or dysphasic.
Thought: Intermittent suicidal ideation. History of self-harm. Severe laceration to third digit leﬀ-hand requiring surgery. Described her action as unpremeditated and impulsive with no intent to kill herself. Has displayed outbursts of a violent nature eg. kicking doors, throwing things, but they occur without her realising it until the crash of the falling object is heard, then she
realises what she’s done. Admits to feeling angry when under stress but, ’the
rest of me feels blank.’ She felt she sometimes loses track of time. Some
slowness of thought. Denied once drinking half a bottle of bleach, ‘to kill the
germs’ inside. Denied homicidal ideation.
Perception: Admitted to occasionally hearing her own voice in her head in
the form of a 2nd person auditory hallucination saying, ‘you’re ok, you’re ok’
Not unpleasant voice. No visual hallucinations. Direct questioning revealed that she was hearing a running commentary of her actions and that there appeared to be mild thought echo.
Sleep/Appetite: Sleep distressed with frequent interruptions through the
night. Spends large part of the day in bed. Possible chronic fatigue syndrome8
mental and physical lethargy.
Drug and alcohol history: Overdose on 24 Nurofen and a can of lager.
Poisons unit said no physical treatment required.
Physical Examination: 1 termination of pregnancy, history of a/uterine
prolapse repair. Refused to remove undergarments for physical eﬂamination
but blood tests revealed:
Haemoglobin 13.4, white count of 10.3, Platelet 284, mcv 88.8, sodium 139,
potassium 4.8 urea 6.1, creatine 72, calcium 2.23, phosphate 1.33 billyrubin
3, alkaline phosphate 142, alt 20, rbc folate 221 ug/l, serum folate 4 ug/l (All
Cognitive function: Cognitively her memory was impaired, especially
short-term memory and her concentration was poor. No biological symptoms
Insight: She described being able to enjoy some things like television, superficially, while feeling blank, and not knowing her feelings makes it difficult to respond to people in social situations. But she said, ‘that’s just me, I can’t help it.’
Enter Captain Stanislav Boglosovic from stage-left, a thin elderly former ‘translator’ wanted for war crimes, struggling in retirement in Brazil. If he wins, he gets his pension; If he loses, he calculates prison, but he’s never lost; whatever it takes to win, there are no limits.
But who will win? And is the prize worth the effort for one, and the forfeit for the other?
Let the tournament commence, and all our hopes and fears begin.
"Funny, Wild and Shocking"
"Horrific ending. You can't unsee what you don't see here."
"Darkly humorous and not for the faint-hearted"
About the author.
Max is happiest when he is out with his bitch, Sandy, his dog–not his girlfriend, or boyfriend! Max is non-binary, ie. bisexual, but he doesn’t wave a flag, he says, “I just like everyone!” He used to be a schoolteacher before he started writing full-time. His favourite color is check! His favourite jeans are old-skool Levi 501s. His favourite trainers are Converse All-stars. His favourite new band is Blossom from Stockport, UK. His favourite writers are Charles Bukowski, J.D. Salinger, George Orwell, Ken Kesey, Tom Wolfe, Ray Bradbury, Jack Kerouac, Martin Amis, Julian Barnes, Stephen King.
“Language should be as fluid as sexuality, you should experiment with it, create new words, new punctuation. At least that’s my excuse!”
Max describes himself as spiritual rather than religious, doesn’t smoke, drink or do any drugs, and meditates every day. Namaste.