The Dystopian TV SATIRE CLIMAX
Book 3: ‘What’s your problem?’ Trilogy
Mathew Meaks, B.Ed. (Hons) Q.T.S.
Dear Chris
If I beat all the other contestants and won a lot of money on W.Y.P. I wouldn’t need to stand in a long queue of taxpayers at the Post Office looking at me like a parasite and watching the teller avert his gaze as he pushes the cash that I haven’t earnt under the glass to me.. I wouldn’t need to feel so guilty when I put the notes into my back pocket in front of everyone and pull them out again meaninglessly at the supermarket checkout in front of a cashier who knows it’s not my money and hands me the goods like charity. I wouldn’t be
so excited at the tobacco stand near the exit as I purchase a full 12.5g bag of hand-rolling tobacco after having rolled dirty butts for three days and a lottery scratchcard. I wouldn’t spend the long walk back home with the shopping bags trying to avoid being recognised by local former pupils, parents and staff driving past in their cars. I wouldn’t open the front door and walk down a shared anonymous landing past nosy listening neighbours to the door of my bedsit. I wouldn’t sit down on my bed and slowly and delicately scratch off the
first number, daydream all morning, slowly scratch of the second, daydream all afternoon, and with the luck of two matching numbers spend the rest of the evening imagining precisely how I’m going to spend it and leave the third number unscratched to give me something to look forward to when I go to bed. I wouldn’t go up to the off-license after surgically scratching the third number away too early’ when I can’t hold back any longer ‘and with it all my escape plans to purchase my ration of three cans of the strongest lager available to get
me out the only other way I can imagine.. I wouldn’t waste the night regretting everything I’ve ever done wrong and drinking the cruel-tasting-treacle-stuff to forget only to find the reality of the four-boring-bare walls of my cell facing me in the morning worse.. I wouldn’t have to. I wouldn’t HAVE to.
But what would I do instead? Je sais pas ce que je ne sais pas. (I don’t know what I don’t know).
It’s hard to change when you’ve forgotten anything different but at least God would know I’d tried when it’s my turn.
Love Mathew Meaks
Psychiatric Assessment
Full Name: Mathew Robert Alexander Meaks
Date/Time of Birth: 25.07.2051 / 10.17 a.m.
Star sign: Leo
Occupation: Unemployed (Ex- Schoolteacher)
Appearance and behaviour: Handsome, well dressed and well kempt, collaborative, shy, pleasant young man. Good rapport, good eye contact, though quite guarded and reluctant to speak without probing. Faint traces of facial scarring reminiscent of acute episode of acne in adolescence though great lips. Nicotine stained right fore and index fingers.
Affect: Reactive.
Mood: Subjectively and objectively euthymic.
Speech: Spontaneous, coherent and rational. Normal volume, rate and flow.
Thought: Admitted to ‘thinking too much’ before doing things, and explained that he didn’t trust his ‘instinct’ and needed reassurance from ‘careful consideration’ first. Began to ruminate over recent psychosocial stressors (examples omitted) and attached spiritual meanings.
Denied homicidal ideation but described some history of suicidal ideation: ‘It often feels good just to think about it when I can’t sleep, that’s all.’ Very interested in Jesus and the bible recently and periodically ‘in phases’.
Perception: Described seeing spontaneous initially uncontrollable and unpleasant images of past ‘sins’ at random intervals” (once/twice a day for at least the past two years) accompanied by making an ‘autonomous-reflex like’ brief outburst to ‘crush the thought’. Possible visual hallucination. No auditory hallucination but did describe a ‘background singing soundtrack playing in his head’ and occasionally a ‘high pitched whine’ in his ear, both of which he was able to control with a little effort.
Sleep/Appetite: Initial insomnia, early morning awakening, diurnal mood variation.
Drug and alcohol history: 12.5mg of hand-rolling tobacco/every 2 days, smoked marijuana at university for ‘about a year’. Admits to ‘social drinking’ but categorically denied alcohol misuse.
Physical examination:
1) Slight subcostal tenderness was noted as a possible liver edge.
2) Mild tinnitus (inner ear damage possibly due to participation in Band.)
3) ECG and sleep deprived ECG both normal, CT scan unremarkable, MRI scan considered unnecessary.
4) Urine and electrolytes, calcium, phosphate normal. Full blood count normal.
Insight: Attributed his problems to a spiritual basis, although amenable to the possibility that they could have a psychological basis.
Dr Jacqui McThorn
What’s inside
Mathew Meaks vs Sister Mary Elizabeth Xavier
Final revelation of most secret Freakmason
Whose Fantasy’s Whose on the Porn Stage
Orgy Forfeit
Star Prize
Chapters
Pages
Mathew isn’t always Mathew, and a rose by any other name doesn’t always smell as sweet.
At least, not to Sister Mary Elizabeth Xavier, his counsellor in the final round of ‘What’s Your Problem?’ (Book 3 in the ‘What’s your problem?’ Trilogy)
Mathew is a washed-up Jesus-looking young alcoholic schoolteacher and Sister Xavier thinks of herself as his Savior. The only way to redemption, of course, is to confess, and that is what she is here to hear from Mathew, tonight. The only problem is Sister Xavier has problems of her own, in addition to being expelled from the Church for ‘unmentionables’. And she wants Mathew to act out his worst misdeeds in a psychodrama on stage, with a little help from his friends, including his best friend, alcohol.
There can be only one winner, will it be the Savior or the Sinner?
About the author.
Max is happiest when he is out with his bitch, Sandy, his dog–not his girlfriend, or boyfriend! Max is non-binary, ie. bisexual, but he doesn’t wave a flag, he says, “I just like everyone!” He used to be a schoolteacher before he started writing full-time. His favourite color is check! His favourite jeans are old-skool Levi 501s. His favourite trainers are Converse All-stars. His favourite new band is Blossom from Stockport, UK. His favourite writers are Charles Bukowski, J.D. Salinger, George Orwell, Ken Kesey, Tom Wolfe, Ray Bradbury, Jack Kerouac, Martin Amis, Julian Barnes, Stephen King.
“Language should be as fluid as sexuality, you should experiment with it, create new words, new punctuation. At least that’s my excuse!”
Max describes himself as spiritual rather than religious, doesn’t smoke, drink or do any drugs, and meditates every day. Namaste.